Random Musings: Today was weigh in day. I knew I had been back sliding recently in many ways, although I felt like I had been compensating with exercise (I know that sounds familiar). Last weeks weigh in said 198 pounds on our new scale (which runs 3-4 pounds higher than the prior one). I've been thinking about daily weigh-ins, but haven't quite gotten there (danger alert, danger alert), although I did weigh myself Saturday and noted the 198.6, but thought I had time to work on it.
Today I stepped on the scale and clocked in at 201.1 pounds!!! That's right, I seem to have gained 2.5 lbs since Saturday. It is hard to describe how bummed out I was. Addicts talk about a need to hit bottom and if this isn't mine, I'm not sure what is... Then I tried to look at things more logically than emotionally.
Saturday night I had 4 beers at a neighborhood gathering, Sunday I had a brat for lunch and Culver's for dinner, yesterday I had Culver's for lunch and pizza for dinner. Also yesterday I decided I needed rest not exercise and added a beer to the evening to make the "relaxing" complete. And of course, I have somehow slipped Cherry Pepsi and it's calories into my diet over the last week. This is not the diet of someone focused on attaining a high level of fitness.
It was just July 5th when I announced that I didn't want to use the food tracker anymore because it was making this unfun. When I look back at that post, it just looks like the rationalization of an addict. I had weighed in heavy that day and hadn't been tracking well the week prior to that, so I decided that I would work out hard and just concentrate on putting good fuel in my body. Hmm, how's that working for you(me) (in the words of William Glasser and Dr. Phil).
So here I am, at rock bottom and feeling like the whole darn thing is a do over. I had intentions of doing the triathlon Saturday at less than 190 lbs. and I'll be lucky to be under 200... I wanted to go to the pool and maybe catch some middle-aged mother's eye and that ain't happening. I wanted to feel strong and healthy and confident and today I feel pretty far from it.
So, what do you do? You learn that delayed gratification is the act of being able to give up what you want NOW for what you want MOST. You get serious and decide that the joy of being pain free and able to complete an Olympic Tri or a half marathon or an Ironman is way better than a stupid cheeseburger today.
And how do I do that? Well for the third time, I go back and start tracking my food. I have clearly proven that I don't lose weight my way, let's see what actually sticking with it might yield. I also need to start weighing in daily since I don't seem to posses the discipline yet to wait a week at a time. And I will remind myself by thinking about the long range view, that no garbage I eat will feel as good as completing the athletic endeavors I'm interested in.
I hope all of you are patient with me,since my patience with myself is wearing thin. I would like this blog to become inspirational at some point for reasons other than "boy you can be really neurotic and still sort of function in the world".
I've eaten ok today and I'm going to the Y tonight. Project do-over commences...again
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