End of April...Beginning of ??

I am enjoying a rare couple hours alone at home on a Saturday night. My daughter is away overnight with a friend and my son and his compensatory overnight guest went to a shadow puppet show with my wife (yeah we're weird like that). She was kind enough to let me stay home. Being alone at home is such a rare event, that it really is sort of a treat. I certainly owe her...

Saturdays really change as you get older. I was struck by that fact tonight when I left for the YMCA at 4:45 for a workout and realized I was pretty fired up to spend my early Saturday evening getting a workout in. The excitement increased because I realized the Y would be pretty quiet, because people younger than me tend to do more exciting things on Saturdays:)

I remember a much different version of Saturday in my teens and 20's. Mostly fueled by wanting to make sure I didn't miss anything or god forbid, miss the chance to talk to a girl that liked me. I suppose it seemed fun back then, but my emotional memories feel more like anxiety and desperation. Generally I've enjoyed aging and the evolution of my weekends is generally an ok thing with me.

For anyone reading, I want to give a very strong recommendation for the podcast WTF with Marc Maron. if you think I'm neurotic, you have to meet Marc (at least virtually). He's a very acerbic and funny comedian, but the podcast is more than funny. I listen to it often during my workouts and I suspect many of you would enjoy it. It's raw and honest and he interviews a very eclectic group in ways that get better information than other places. Thank you for indulging my random plug of something I don't make money on. On to the business of the blog...

Exercise update: Today was a good day. I went at the elliptical machine pretty aggressively for 37 minutes and felt good. I was working hard but not dying. I must admit that elliptical fitness feels like the lowest form of fitness to me, but progress is progress. I followed that with a complete circuit around the cybex circuit at the Y. I continue to believe resistance training might be an X factor (along with diet) that gets me closer to my goals, since I've rarely stuck with it in the past.

I still can't make up my mind about a June triathlon. Might just look for a 5k or two to do since running fitness feels more fit than elliptical.

Tomorrow's plan is to get in the pool for drills and a moderate workout before hitting it hard on Monday prior to Tuesday's weigh-in.

Nutrition update: Success!!! I have tracked my food today in my food diary and eaten healthfully all day. It's been a nice recovery from the return to work disaster yesterday. Anne made carrot/raisin muffins which were great and really provided a good food base for the day. I'm still short on fruit and veggies today but I'll take a "no junk" day as a win right now. Since tomorrow is the first of May, I had aspirations of some giant food related goal, but in the spirit of going against my grandiose instincts, I'm setting a smaller, achievable goal. I'm pledging to eat no french fries for the entire month... Hopefully this will build a new habit and break my liking for fried greasy potatoes.

Tomorrow's blog will be centered on sleep and supplements, cause I have lots of questions about how to do both better.

Here's to hoping the weather is better soon.

A tale of two mindsets

Today's wins: I came home dog tired from my first day back at work and put on my running shoes and went and ran more than 3 miles. I'm not quite back to where I was when I hurt my hamstring a month ago prepping for the GB 1/2 marathon, but I can definitely feel progress. I have to admit I'm a little jealous of my two sisters and brothers-in-law, who are alomost ready for the1/2 in two weeks...
I followed up the run with a walk with Cameron and Jake (the dog). It's always fun to see what planet my son is inhabiting on a given day. I can remember just getting time alone with my Dad when I was little to talk...it always seemed like a big deal. I need to try to give that to Cameron more often. God knows he loves to talk:)

Today's losses: I let returning to work activate a bunch of old, bad habits. I won't list what I ate, but it was garbage. I consumed twice as much diet soda than I did any day that I was off. I forgot to drink water all morning. The best news was that I didn't add a bunch of snacks to my pathetic meals, but at best today's grade was a D. Perhaps just returning for one day of work will give me impetus to do better this weekend building better habits. I'll do better not starting tomorrow, but starting right now.

Random Musings: It is amazing the onslaught of energy that comes at me when I return from any extended time away from work. It is as if everyone who works with me has been waiting for me to get back to ask whatever crucial question they've been grinding on. It is truly the challenge of an administrator to honor each person's point of view and realize that their issue is important to them, even if you are aware of 12 things that would bury it on your list.

My mom left a job a long time ago and said it was because she was just tired of supervising people. I remember thinking that was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard. I have since apologized:)

It is exhausting doing that kind of work and when you combine it with the fact that people apparently think your title gave you some sort of mythical vision and intelligence, it just seems silly. I'm not sure why anyone thinks I have some great grand scheme in mind, when we are both aware they have no plan for third hour...

Any of my teacher friends reading this, give your boss a break, he or she is just some human trying to figure crap out, same as you. They may make a little more money(although that's debatable where I work, if you calculate on days worked or in some cases straight up), but they are working for it. Every time you wish they understood your job better, realize that means you probably don't understand theirs either.

Oh and by the way, I work with good people in a nice place, those of you who are in opposition to people at work...I don't know how or why you keep doing it. It seems to me that if we spent more time fixing problems as opposed to blame we'd all be better served. Regardless of our level of competence, we are all generally in our careers for the right reasons.

Thus endeth the sermon and if you ever doubted my musings were truly random, I think that is confirmed now:)

Good luck to friends and family running the Crazy Legs or any of the La Crosse Fitness Festival races this weekend.

On the road

Nutrition notes: Spent the day traveling to St. Paul and back, so food was mostly a road affair. I think I did ok on calories, but my nutrition continues to be pretty weak. Had a burger and fries for lunch, because it was just easier than trying to pick something better off the limited menu of the museum grill. Still not focused, I guess. Had some ice cream at DQ on ride home, but only ate half and finsihed the day with Cheese Pizza at home. I'd give it a C+ if I were grading. Next 5 days must be better to meet my two pound weight loss goal for next Tuesday.

Exercise: With three prior workout days in a row, I had today scheduled as an off day. It seemed to work out well. I tried to counteract all the car time with a short dog walk this a.m. and by being on my feet at our museum visit for much of the three hours there. Still it was a low motion day and tomorrow I will need to be back at it. That's a test of commitment, must run or go to the Y on Friday after work...

Random musings: Not much to say today. I'm back to work tomorrow after a week off, so I'm hoping to maintain the momentum I've developed during my time off.
Today was a fun day. I went with Anne, the kids and my Mom to the Minnesota Science Museum. The featured exhibit was King Tut and the Pharaohs, which was excellent. The rest of the museum was pretty cool too, and very kid friendly.

I always enjoy trips to the Twin Cities, although the weather gods made sure it was crappy to dampen my fantasy of relocating there. In reality I like La Crosse and it would probably benefit me to plan on being here a while:)

I have an interview for Edgewood's doctoral program next Wednesday, which should be one of the deciders on which direction I go with further education. The good news is they would take my transfer credits from Capella, the bad news is I'm never sure if I really want a doctorate.

All's well and the mission continues...

Vacation is coming to an end

Tomorrow is the last day off of my little mini-spring vacation. As I transition back to normal working life, I think I'll transition the format of my blog a bit too, at least for today.
I've been intermingling my inner musings with diet and fitness reports and it seems presumptuous that everyone (all 6 of you:)) are interested in both. So I'll try separating them out a bit and if anyone objects let me know

4/27 exercise report: Today was a good day. Anne and I went to a 9:00 a.m. spinning class and I really challenged myself for the whole 45 minutes. Spinning is a great workout. I also had my standard 30 minute dog walk later in the day. I continue to debate internally about trying for a June triathlon, but while I vacillate, I'll keep my butt moving. That was good advice from my baby brother:)

4/27 diet report: Started strong today, did my spin class on a banana and lots of water. probably could have eaten more prior, but I rolled out of bed a little late due to some sleepless kids. Had a homemade scone when we returned from class and hit the Diet Pepsi for the day (still struggling with caffeine addiction).
Lunch was out with Anne as we had a kid free day. We went for Mexican at Tequila and I did just ok. Didn't pig out but could have been more careful. Rest of the day was solid. Didn't track food in the diary again today, so I'm threatening myself again that if I don't tomorrow, I have to post an even less flattering picture. I'm trying to be laser focused between now and next weigh-in, so I can see 2 pounds come off, which would be a great motivator.

Random Musings: I don't know if it's the blog or my own psychotic nature or the new focus on training, but I've been more introspective lately. My latest (and chronic) area of obsession has been returning to school this summer to resume progress towards my doctorate. It seems every time I get close to starting it again, I get very anxious about why I'm actually doing that. Sometimes, I feel like I'm on the fast track to jobs I don't really want, if that makes any sense. It feels a a little whiny to complain about success at work, but work takes up so much of my mental energy right now; the thought of taking on more is pretty scary. Where would my health go then? The last promotion sent me into a two year fitness tailspin...

So the latest option that seems to have jumped up in front of me is a chance to get a second masters in mental health counseling. This would enable me to be a counselor, which has been an off and on goal for a long time and would also allow me to teach psychology eventually. Of course, I could also keep doing what I'm doing (until the doctorate becomes a requirement), so I guess the point is, it would give me options. I want to carve out life space to have a few more interests than work. I'm 40 and if I don't do these things now, will I ever? There's still time to learn that guitar and be a rock star:)

Actually this all looks wackier when I type it:) Maybe it's just my anxiety come back to roost.
Sometimes it just feels like I could have more impact (meaning do some good) on a different life path than the one I'm currently on. Trying to sort out what I really want to do and what I like to do versus the joy of meeting and exceeding others expectations will be an on-going project. In the meantime, I'll just keep moving.

Off to the Twin Cities tomorrow to see the King Tut exhibit, so it's a good rest day for exercise and challenge to my diet discipline on the road.

Weigh-in day

I'll eliminate any suspense right now. I weighed in this morning and I was back to 198 lbs. (from 199 the week before)meaning I am exactly where I was two weeks ago at my first weigh-in. I promised myself yesterday that I would just accept today's number and move on, so that's what I'm going to do.

I know why I am where I am. I'm still not disciplined about what I eat and today was a good example. My ever rationalizing mind convinced me that weigh-in day is an ok day to indulge. Combine that with being on the road for the funeral of a colleague's husband and I had a pile of excuses to pull into Culver's on the way home. And because I had already decided that I deserved this for my efforts and I needed relief from the stress of seeing someone lose their spouse, I went for the double cheeseburger and fries, with Cherry Pepsi. There were of course better choices, even at Culver's.

Until I can make myself decide that food is not primarily a reward or stress relief, my weight loss goals will be difficult. I'm amazed at the amount of situations I can come up with where a cheeseburger or ice cream seems like the answer:)

On the exercise front it was a positive day. I did 37 minutes on the elliptical machine and spent 15 minutes or so focusing on upper body cybex stuff. I was fatigued when I was done, so that helps meet my goal of ratcheting up my intensity. I'd like to add more strength training when I have more time. Picking up my daughter from girl scouts won out today and it's hard to argue with that.
Tomorrow includes a 9:00 a.m. spin class and I'm looking forward to it.

I do have a bit of a mental dilemma going on. My blog is focused on my triathlon dreams and weight loss is supposed to be a happy by-product. However, I feel like I'm obsessing with the weight loss part and under-emphasizing the training part.

On the third hand (see why I drive my wife nuts), I need to lose weight before I can really get back to doing the fitness events that I want without getting hurt or going painfully slow. Which leads me to this question: Should I put another triathlon earlier on the calendar (there is one in 6 1/2 weeks I could be ready to do just to finish) or spend the next month focused more strictly on just trying to get my weight down?

Now those two things should go together right... Well for me it hasn't always been that way. Today's blog photo is an example of a time where I was pretty fit, but not real lean.

In the summer of 2009, I was able to run a 4 mile road race in mid-summer. I wasn't real fast but I was fit enough to do it without dying. However if you look at the photo, I didn't exactly have my weight where I wanted it... I think I used the running I was doing as an excuse to eat that whole vacation... You know, because I'd earned it:)

So, I'm debating: Train for a June triathlon to go with my July and September ones and count on my weight loss focus to remain... or spend the month of May singularly focused on losing weight and start training in earnest on June 1st?

Maybe the answer is both, but I'm open to suggestions...

A very good day... what happens tomorrow?

Well that's take a break from the personal melodrama of yesterday to focus on what went right today. Sometimes I get a little tired of myself:)

After letting yesterday turn into a day where I did almost nothing physical, other than play with kids at my Mom's, I had planned on going to spinning class as today's primary activity. However, the nice weather changed my mind. I realized I was sitting inside working on my computer waiting for a mid-day class when what I should actually do is get myself outdoors on this beautiful day.

So, I took my family hiking in Hixon forest for about an hour, We went straight uphill and it was challenging. My son scares away any potential animal sightings, but I have fun visiting with him while we walk. This trip also double dipped as the dog walking event for today. My kids like to hike, it's a habit I hope they keep.

Later in the day, my wife's car needed to be picked up at the dealer downtown. In an effort to sneak in more calorie burning, I offered to go get it and walked the 20+ blocks to do so. This added another 30 minutes to my movement total for the day.

And finally, I ran 3.1 miles on the treadmill tonight at a slow but steady pace. When you add up the whole day, I'm sure I'm over 5 miles of good exercise. The only thing missing was strength training, which I need to do tomorrow. I did miss spinning class, which would have been an intense workout, but I'll take today and be happy with it.

On the food front, I did my food diary the last two days, but slipped today. Yesterday's sloth day included a bit too much pizza in the evening after a good day eating at my Mom's, but today has been much better.

In the interest of trying to do more than usual, I'm stepping away from ice cream as much as I can. I've also cut way back on caffeine, with an eventual goal of giving up soda altogether.

Tomorrow is weigh-in day... I'm hoping for good things, but realizing my diet and exercise are still not as consistent as they need to be. Regardless of result, I'm resolving not to get too high or low and just keep on keeping on.

Think light...

A tale of resurrection - but we never bury the past

Happy Easter all.

I'm not a religious person, so this has never been a holiday I pay much attention to, but I do know the story and thought it might give me a theme for the day.

On the exercise and diet front, it's been a pretty simple day. I am between workout days, so today will just have a long dog walk. On the food front, I went to visit family at my mom's for an Easter gathering and I can proudly say I didn't over indulge. I did a fair amount of grazing and probably over consumed jelly beans, but my meal had one reasonable serving of ham, potatoes and veggies. All in all a pretty good food day thus far.

What I really want to write about today is more complicated and I'm not even sure I really know how to get at it or want to share it. But if this project is supposed to demonstrate the Constanzaish (you know from Seinfeld) notion of going against your instincts, then I honor that premise by writing what's running in the loop in my head today.

Do you know the song 2 a.m. by Anna Nalick? Not the manliest tune, but I've always been drawn to it. There's a great lyric that goes like this "2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to"
I don't write songs, but if you substitute blog for song, it feels like my truth for today.

Well onto the point...

I saw my sister-in-law's facebook post recently about the struggle to lose her last 10 pounds (she's lost a bunch of weight through really hard work). A friend of hers talked about the last 10-15 pounds being emotional baggage. My initial instinct was, what a bunch of crap, but now I wonder.

At our little gathering today, my uncle had old holiday videos from 20+ years ago and wanted to share them because some of us had been in them. On the surface, this should be a nice thing, but I struggle to describe the visceral negative reaction I had to the idea, much less how I felt for the short while I actually sat through some of them. In fact, I walked out to play with my kids and my nephews before they were finished. Why on earth was this? Well here is what I think.

There are some obvious reasons. The time he happened to capture was not a great time for my family or for me. I had just had a disastrous semester at college that I was keeping secret from everyone. Much of this stemmed from an anxiety issue that I wouldn't even realize I had for another 15 years, although it would become my defining characteristic for most of my 20's. My mom was also about 6 months from divorcing my stepfather, who is in the video, and I don't have any positive feelings for him, then or now. Between those two things (an urge to hide and the palpable yuckiness at home), it would make sense that the video would make me cringe, but it was more than that. It was emotional baggage for lack of a better term.

As I watched the little I could stand, and made sarcastic comments to cover my discomfort, what I really wanted was to talk with the 19 year old me (he's pictured above). I wanted to tell the skinny kid with the bad hair and big glasses that I knew he was as uncomfortable as he looked to me. Maybe not to others but to me. I wanted to assure him that it was ok to fail and that people could know and life would go on. I wanted him to understand, he wasn't nearly as old as he thought he was. I wished I could tell him that if you eat your stress and cover your mistakes, it can detour your life for years(and make you chubby). I was watching a person at a turning point in their life and I knew he would make every wrong decision for the next 6 years. Even typing this now, I can feel my heart rate pick up and my anxiety peak. I just wanted to tell him to ask for help.

Now why does this matter in a weight loss blog? Well, it might not if the thoughts above were something I had thought a lot about before, but they aren't. It is something that came bubbling to the surface today after 5 minutes of video from 21 years ago. My sister-in-law's friend was right, we carry our baggage and I hope unloading mine will be part of a pathway to health. If I can acknowledge the past and move on, I have hope of changing other bad habits as well. Hence the tale of resurrection.

So there, it's out on virtual paper, no longer tucked away to surface at weird times. Will it help me weigh 180 lbs. or complete a triathlon? I don't know, but if we are going to get different results, we must do things differently.

Back to fitness blogging tomorrow, with my exciting return to spin class. Thank you for indulging my self-analysis.

2 weeks down - What have we learned

Today marks my 14th blog entry. In this hyper-speed world we live in, it seems appropriate to reflect back and see what lessons have been learned in the last two weeks. So here are a few nuggets off the top of my head...

1. I'm simply going to have to try harder. I have pretty ambitious goals and slow and steady may not get me there. I worked out today but I'm nowhere as whipped as I am when I work out with a trainer. That should tell me something. If I want to be under 180 lbs. and on the trampolines with Hannah at Riverfest, my intensity needs to go up a notch. Tomorrow is an active rest day, but Monday's spin class should be a good kick-off to higher intensity workouts and of course improved nutrition starts right now.

2. Food is issue 1 and exercise is 1A. These two weeks confirm that I will not simply exercise my way to my goals. That is so hard to accept, because I love food, particularly food that isn't so good for me.

3. To lose weight I need to sneak in more calorie burning. Easy ways include biking to work and sitting on my stability ball at the computer.

4. My mood is so much better when I exercise. I was very tired today because of an interrupted nights sleep and only one can of soda (yea!!), but I got my butt to the pool for a 30 minute set of drills and I felt much better. Truthfully is was more mentally than physically. Learning this creates lots of new questions. For instance, why am I pouring so much energy into work, when taking care of myself physically has a much better pay back emotionally and in my relationships. As I think about getting back to my doctorate this summer, I must admit that I wonder why. What if I turned my focus to growth in health, rather than education and career?
I am proud that I declined another training opportunity that would have taken me away this summer. I am learning to say no, now I just have to so the same with donuts:)

Of the lessons of the last 14 days, number 4 is the one that I will be thinking about for quite a while.

Today's wins:

- 30 minutes in the pool, drills and laps

- 30 minutes walking the dog

- Went out for lunch and left half my fries on the plate

- Had one can and one can only of soda

Goals for tomorrow:

- Eat reasonably at holiday gathering with family

- 2 or less cans of soda

- Even though it's not a workout day, find ways to be active.

Does anyone out there have other ways they sneak calorie burning into busy days of work and family?

Happy Easter!

4/22 Farewell to Fat and other useless rituals

Today was my first of 7 days off work that I've targeted as a chance to jumpstart my health.

I was able to get a great night's sleep and spent most of the day relaxing at home. My food choices were ok, not great but ok. I continue to procrastinate on the food diary for reasons I can't explain, but I stayed out of restaurants today. The food diary will start tomorrow or my self-imposed consequence will be to post the inadvertent shot of my gut my daughter took on photo day. It's less than flattering...

I made it to the Y for 32 minutes on the elliptical, but skipped the cybex because I needed to get my daughter after her log rolling class (there's a phrase you don't hear every day). I might do some weights and push-up/sit up stuff later at home, but we'll see. My exercise goal for tomorrow is to go work out in the pool after Anne returns from work. Rain is preventing my dog walk, so it's a mediocre work out day.
I am off work Monday, so I signed up for Spinning class, I'm looking forward to that.

I did complete the body measurements suggested by Danni, my trainer. They are as follows:
- Chest: 43 inches
- Waist: (at belly button) - 40.5 in. (that one hurt to type)
- Hips: 38 in.
- Biceps: L- 14.125 in. R- 14.25 in
- Thighs: L- 23.5 in. R- 23.5 in.
- Calves: L- 15.75 in. R- 15.5 in.

I will remeasure and update these on May 22nd.

The title of today's entry Farewell to Fat has to do with a stupid thing I've done forever to justify overeating or eating unhealthy food. Whenever I establish that I'll "get serious" about health tomorrow, or on Monday, or on the first of the month, or on New Year's or whatever, I often let myself indulge in garbage food. I have often described this as my Farewell to Fat:) I've had so many farewells it's a running joke in my house. My wife and children know that if a T-Jo's pizza is on the way, they can ask "Farewell to Fat Dad?" and the answer is invariably yes.

Bad as that may be, the "farewell" mentality creeps in much more often in subtle but nasty ways. I cannot explain how many times in the last 10 years (I'll bet in the hundreds), I've been on my way to McDonald's or a Chinese Buffet for a ridiculous lunch and in my head, I'm explaining to myself that it's ok because starting tomorrow I'll get serious. I even tell myself to enjoy that meal, since I am saying good bye to McDonald's forever. Considering I was there three days ago, I'm not sure I've ended that relationship effectively:)

I wonder what other routines and rationalizations people use as an excuse to eat what they want, when then they want. Feel free to share any you'd like...

Happy Health and farewell...

Day 12 - Just plain tired, but with a touch of triumph and progress

An old enemy, but more frequent visitor, made an appearance today, fatigue. I don't remember being this tired in my earlier years, but something about being 40 has left me with a finite amount of energy. At least that's the case at my current level of health and fitness.

I had a long day with a reasonable run yesterday (but later than usual) and I think today is the price I'm paying. I had planned to go to the Y after work, but work stretched until after 5:00 and I didn't go. I'm not beating myself up about it though, because I made much better food choices today. I came home for lunch and ate a PBJ sandwich and a small helping of macaroni salad. I'm still searching for my salad and smoothie, but hey...baby steps. I also have eaten lightly enough this evening that I'm going to treat myself to some ice cream after writing this blog entry. It seems to me that my odds of success are better if I don't go total deprivation, but try to learn to eat treats as actual treats.

My best accomplishment today came at lunch time. For some reason I have developed a desire to feel very full at lunch time, so on the days I run home for a sandwich, I do this bizarre thing where I stop at Taco Bell on the way back for "just a burrito" to "top it off". Today started out exactly the same. On my way back to work, I got in the drive thru line, but it was long and as my mind waged war on itself (I deserve this, I'll get serious tomorrow, etc.), reason came through and I knew I wasn't hungry, just in a crappy habit and I pulled out of line and went back to work without the extra greasy food! Yea for me!

As I said before I didn't go for my workout today, but I did take the dog for a 45 minute walk and tried to get up and move more at work.

My failures today included my endless procrastination on the food diary and I'm just not going to do those body meansurements until later. I'm tired damn it! Is that just another excuse? I don't know but for tonight it's going to have to do.

Between the holiday and some time I'm taking off, I don't work again until next Friday, so I think I have a prime opportunity to sleep more, exercise more and eat healthfully for the next week. It's good to have a little down time to work on new habits. Back to the Y tomorrow, maybe in the pool or maybe just the elliptical and some weights. Either way, it's all good.

One of my better days, fatigue aside...

A tale of two mindsets

Day 11:


Things I'm proud of:

- Even after a busy day followed by my daughter's school concert, I made time to get on the treadmill and keep going until it hit 3 miles. Walked for the first two minutes and ran gently after that.
- walked the dog even when i didn't want to
- Used a stability ball rather than a chair in my office
- Ate half a bagel rather than a full one with my banana for breakfast

Things I'm not proud of:

- Went to McDonald's for lunch. No need to... but a double cheeseburger and fries was consumed anyway. My latest theory on that is I have such a comfort routine associated with going there (read the paper, get out of the office etc.), that the habit is harder to break than food alone.
- Continued to drink soda, a lot of soda
- Did not keep my eye on the weight loss ball because I did not start food diary

In reflection:

If I were working with a student who said they wanted to do something (let's say graduate), but only engaged in some of the behaviors necessary (let's say attended class but didn't do homework), I would question how serious they were. It's only fair that I question myself the same way. My words and actions don't match up. I am recreating an old pattern of exercising but ignoring nutrition.

That changes tomorrow...really...with an honest food diary.
Also planning on YMCA time after work.

I resume my long obedience, I just need to get all of it going in the same direction.

Good night

p.s. My brother says my first before pic isn't embarrassing enough, so I've attached another. If my food discipline doesn't improve, I'll make myself publish one that's even worse, a bit negative, but motivating:)

199....ARGHHH!!!!!!

So, I weighed myself this morning and I didn't get what I want. In fact my weight went up a pound from 6 days ago (199lbs). This led to a crazy stream of thoughts, let me share a few...
- It was the two beers and cream sauce from Saturday.
- Why did I have ice cream Sunday afternoon?
- Would one less tamale have killed me last night?
- It's pointless...

And then I got rational.

I am 40 now and this will not be easy. I must relearn lessons that never seem to stick and make them permanent this time. These lessons include:

1. Food matters: You can't just vaguely "eat better" at this point in life and expect to lose weight
2. One of my favorite quotes is the only way things truly change, it requires "a long obedience in the same direction" translation: patience grasshopper
3. You can get fitter and remain heavy, if your goal goes beyond fitness, your plan must too
4. Cardio alone isn't enough
5. An hour a day in the gym does not compensate for the other 23 hours of the day

So how do I react?
- When I asked Danni how to lose weight, she only had once piece of advice, write down everything you eat, so tomorrow a.m. begins a food diary
- Consistently follow a work out plan and look for chances to increase the intensity
- Add resistance training on a regular basis (weights, swimming)
- Sneak fitness in during the day (I just refilled my stability ball at my work desk to replace my chair)
- Keep my eye on the goal. I want to look good at the pool in June, not in April. stay the course.

Spring concert at my daughter's school tonight, so I'll probably just walk the dog today for exercise. Breakfast was a 1/2 bagel and yogurt,so I'm off to a good start on nutrition today. I think I'll do some body measurements this evening and share them tonight or tomorrow.

I am frustrated but still committed...

Day 9 - I can run (slowly)

As my last day before my first weigh-in of this little project, today has a little anxiety to it. I was able to do some running today on the treadmill, which was a nice thing. I'm not someone who loves running but ever since I blew my hamstring about 6 weeks ago in an aborted attempt to train for a 1/2 marathon, I've needed to get going again. I had been up to a six mile run in my training, but that was done more on ego and stubbornness than on good judgment, and eventually my body said...no.
So, now I'm building more slowly. I decided no triathlon in June, stick with the plans I started with.

I was able to run a very slow and gentle 30+ minutes on the treadmill today which felt pretty reasonable. I resisted the urge to up the speed and just focused on doing the time. I've never been good about building a base, but I really want to focus on that this time. I also took my near daily walk with my dog, which added 30 minutes of movement today. The walk was pretty leisurely since my son came along, but I'll take leisure for 30 minutes conversation with my 6 year old from Mars anytime:)

On the food front, I was able to return to one of my healthier haunts for lunch. Lindy's makes a great Turkey Club sub with baked chips and a soda, which satisifies me but doesn't put me at risk of a heart attack. I was a little more liberal at home with corn tamales for dinner, but overall not bad. Breakfast was fruit and yogurt and probably the worst part of my day is the constant presence of treats at work, which meant I ate 2-3 ginger cookies someone brought for their birthday. It's 8:40 and I think I'm done eating for the day...

My food goals are still a little blurry. I made mention of quitting soda but haven't made a ton of progress on that front. I am eating less crap but my salads and smoothies are still just an aspiration. Tomorrow's weigh in could be telling. I'm hoping to at least hold at the 198lbs. from last week because I know my nutrition hasn't changed much. Maybe the increased exercise will get me a pound, but I know I have a lot of work to do.

Tomorrow is an active rest day (I'm doing two days on, 1 day off for now), so I think I'll take the time to do some measurements to add to my collection of data on this blog. Busy afternoon with kids and piano and a spring concert, sounds like a good day to focus on improved nutrition.

That's all for now, think light in the a.m.:)

Unfortunately you can get here from there...

I've been thinking today. I've been thinking about how did I get to where I am physically (and mentally in some ways). The picture attached to this blog is from when I was about 16. I remember being embarrassed about the lines on my stomach, little did I know:) After the photographic evidence of a few days ago, it seemed worthwhile to trace the path from this picture to the one I posted recently. So forgive me if it seems indulgent, but what is a blog about yourself, if not indulgent:)

I graduated High School almost 25 years ago and like most teenage boys, weight and fitness weren't a great concern. I ate prodigious amounts of food and burned up every calorie through a mix of youthful metabolism and activity. I was an enthusiastic, if not overly successful basketball player and my 12 month a year obsession with playing and practicing made fitness a given. I certainly didn't think of it that way, but it was true nonetheless.

I went off to college and I clearly remember weighing 153 lbs. at the plasma center I visited in the fall to get some extra cash. My mother's horror at me giving fluids for money aside, I was pretty fit. Of course like many college freshmen, I added weight over the winter, particularly without my basketball habit being fed. I noticed in the spring I felt a bit heavier and started playing pick-up ball daily and got back to fighting weight pretty easily.

This pattern repeated itself for the next couple years, beef up in the winter and use pick up basketball to get fit later on. I remember getting on a scale in my second year and seeing a 187, which stunned me and I probably cut back on soda as a result. I would lose weight, but I didn't see that 153 for some time again. The last time was in the summer after I left college and broke up with my first serious girlfriend and I went crazy on fitness and cut way back on food for the first time. I didn't do it right but weight flew off and I may have gotten as low as 151, but not in a healthy way.

After I left my first try at college, I expanded the pattern. I coached basketball and would use the stress of coaching to give me an excuse to eat anything I wanted all winter. This would get balanced out by a regimen of pick-up games at the 7-10 basketball camps I worked a summer to make enough to live. Each year went by and I would recover a little less. As I hit my mid 20's that teenage metabolism was slipping away...

So each passing year added a few pounds, the pattern was not good and I started to get injuries like shin splints when I would overdo training, which then set me back further. As a start and stop fitness guy, the next big start period was in my later 20's, when a relationship ended and I started to compensate by running,something I'd never really enjoyed. I had friends who had taken up running 5k's at local races on the weekends and if I ran once or twice during the week, I could do those pretty easily. In fact I was surprised to find out that at many of these small town festivals, I could place in my age group and win a medal here and there. I now realize that had less to do with my speed than the fact that other 27 and 28 year olds weren't getting up at 6:00 on Saturdays to run races:)

I didn't weigh myself much then, but I knew I was fit, although certainly heavier than a decade earlier. Most of my friends weren't real fit, so I felt good around them, but I always felt bad around the young athletes I coached. My head didn't understand that they were 10 years younger and exercising all the time. Why would I look like them?

And then came my 30's....

What a schizophrenic decade that was. I got married, had two children, earned another degree, and developed a real big boy career. None of which seemed to benefit my fitness very much. All very positive things in my life but the change in my body in the decade of my 30's was astounding. I remember the following milestones:

- My first teaching job accompanied by weighing myself at basketball practice that winter and seeing 167, which seemed like a lot at the time
- The birth of my daughter along with my second teaching job in the district from hell, I think I weighed in the 180's by the end of that year
- Jumping ship to my first job at Western and going on a training binge to do a canoe, bike, run tri with my brother in 2003. Felt heavy but fit then
- Got promoted at work the next year and went back to grad school. Nothing good on the fitness front, I used my stress as an excuse to eat and lay around.
- 2006, just out of grad school, broke 200lbs and joined weight control program at work. Program was very successful and led to a sprint triathlon that summer and training for a half marathon in the fall as a cancer fundraiser
- 2007, weight down to low 180's for 1/2 marathon and two triathlons (sprint).

Not long after that I got promoted and used my new job as an excuse to fall apart. With a few fits and starts (a 5k here and there), I have been stuck there until I started this blog. I am now in my 40's and I want to get healthy.

Today's workout was good. 32 minutes on the elliptical followed by a complete one set circuit of cybex. Felt good enough to get me dreaming about a June triathlon, but I'm not sure. I've trained for those in 6-8 weeks before and it worked but I crashed afterward. This time I want to sustain momentum for life.

Food choices today were pretty good. I indulged in ice cream for the first time in several days but was careful otherwise and added a 40 minute dog walk to my workout. I must admit, as much as I love ice cream, I don't feel great after I eat it...

All in all, pretty good day. Thanks for indulging the long post.

Saturday and I'm kid free

Today included the nice surprise of my Dad taking both my kids on a little overnight adventure.
My wife and I took advantage and went out for dinner tonight. Normally this could be a major pitfall for my fitness efforts, but today feels ok. I ate lighter at lunch and was able to plan ahead for a larger dinner at Buzzard Billy's. I went with the Chicken Czarina, which came with veggies and rice. The only downside was the breading and sauce, but I managed to leave some breading behind. All in all, not bad for a night out.

After two days in a row with workouts, today was active rest so I just went ahead and walked the dog. It was a little brief since it is awfully cold, especially for mid-April.

The plan for tomorrow is back to the Y for cardio and a more focused cybex session.

I have no idea if anyone pays attention to this blog, but it is really helping me to feel accountable and focused. Weigh in day will be coming soon and we'll see if the process has started. Regardless, I remain the pig in the bacon/egg breakfast....totally committed.

A Pretty Good Day

As usual, I'm pretty tired, but today is a good tired.I got away at lunch hour and met my trainer Danni at the pool for an hour of drills and workout.

Doing swim drills is a deceptively difficult way to spend an hour and I am pretty whipped now. It is weird though, how much better the day goes at work when I am able to break it up with exercise. I confirmed that swimming will always be a struggle for me, but I do feel like I improved. My goal with swimming will always be to be efficient more than fast. That way in a triathlon I won't waste all my energy on what should be the shortest part of the day.

I also know that eventually swimming results in some great things with my upper body, sometimes even my wife notices:)

Lunchtime workouts also improve my nutrition as I keep lunch simple. Today was a chicken burrito. Not health food, but it didn't include fries or a ton of excess calories and that's a plus for me.
My family talked me into Chinese food tonight, but rather than pig out,I ate half of what I usually would, which is still plenty, trust me.

All in all, a pretty good day. It is interesting to relearn that one of the best tools I have for dealing with anxiety (an issue that's always there for me) is to just go get in a real workout.

I told my trainer about my blog and she suggested I may want to post some body measurements as benchmarks, so feel free to check for those over the next few days.

Have a great weekend, mine will include at least one good workout.

The Death of Pride (or a picture is worth losing 30 pounds)

Did you ever have the experience of knowing something but not really knowing it?
It can be pretty jarring when the thing you were actually in denial about is confirmed as true. In my case, it's the fact that I could be a lot fitter. My mirror is only chest high in the morning and I wear glasses, so I never really see myself. Most days I wear the middle age schlub uniform of baggy khakis and a button down shirt, so I maintain my illusion/delusion. The illusion being that I'm holding up ok, admitting some minor refurbishing was probably necessary.

Even at the pool in the summer, I spend more time sucking in my belly and making sure other dads are chunkier than worrying about me. I also can mask my lack of fitness by a pretty good capacity for exercise which is really more an old athlete's mind being determined than anything else.

Then I threw on a swimsuit in house light and let my daughter take some pictures for my blog...

I was amazed the guy in the photo ran a 5k just 3 weeks ago. The guy in that picture needed a wake-up call and this is it. So, I'm swallowing pride (remember I have old girlfriends on the interweb and this is not "winning":)) and putting it out there for my readers, which number in the single digits!

I'm less embarrassed than I am determined, and if I ever needed a reminder that cardio alone will not get me where I want to go, this is it. I need to alter my nutrition and make sure strength training is part of my life. I'm going to post the same kind of photo every 30 days and I believe it will change my whole outlook.

On the good news front, I did go to the Y today. 30 minutes on the elliptical and probably 20 minutes of Cybex weight stuff. Looking forward to a workout at the pool with Danni (my trainer) tomorrow.

On the food front, not a great day. Did well at home tonight, but the siren song of Culver's got me at lunch. I was traveling for work and God help me, I love the fast food. Wish I'd have had these pics with me at lunch time!

I've also picked events for the calendar.

1. I'm going to sign up for the Castle Rock Sprint Triathlon on July 23rd.


2. I'm going to complete the Lake Geneva Olympic Tri on September 10th, provided I can arrange some child care that day. I suspect that won't be an issue.

I think that makes me the pig in the Bacon/Egg breakfast, I'm committed.

A very long day

Today was a unique work day. I had agreed to teach workshops on Poverty from 8:00-12:00 and from 6:00-8:00 at night (two different groups). So, I was at work by 7:00 a.m. and got home at 8:30 p.m. I love getting the chance to teach about something I'm passionate about, but I probably need to work on boundaries and saying no occasionally.

I'm proud of the fact that I didn't completely eliminate activity even on a day with a ridiculous schedule. I took the dog out for a 25 minute brisk walk when I got home. Again, no giant burn happening, but I committed to moving. It's also interesting that my legs are very tired today. I'd forgotten how much more time on my feet I spend when I'm teaching rather than my regular desk jockey duties. With today's marathon of work behind me, tomorrow turns the calendar to regular workouts again. I'm planning on hitting a cardio machine and doing the cybex circuit at the Y. It will be the first real workout since I ran 5k in Vegas on March 19th.

I hired a trainer several months ago, her name is Danni, and have trained off and on with her since. I haven't been back with her since my nose surgery in January, but she called me today and we are going to meet on Friday. It's weird, I had been avoiding getting back with the trainer because in my head, I should wait until I was fitter to work out with her.
What an odd thought process I have sometimes.

Anyway I'm grateful she called and in her always positive way told me to get my ass moving. She's meeting me at the pool on Friday and I can tell she wants me to commit to a triathlon sooner than later. She's very big on goals:)

Some of you have heard the joke about a bacon and egg breakfast; the chicken was interested, the pig was committed. Tomorrow it is my intention to commit to healthier living and every day thereafter. I'm tired of simply being interested in living a fitter life.

Not much news on the diet front today, it was mostly grab and go on a very busy day.
I did weigh in this morning and I was at 198 lbs. That was actually a little lower than I suspected, which I attribute to two consecutive nights without my arch-nemesis: ice cream. At 5'8" though, it's not where I want to be.

Too busy and tired for a before photo so that can wait another day. I'm exhausted from today, but excited about tomorrow. I'll pick a triathlon by Friday.

The crust of the biscuit - THE issue is diet

Here is what I remember eating so far today. It's 8:00 in the evening as I write this.
7:00 a.m - Banana followed by an apple 30 minutes later
9:00 a.m. - 20 oz. Diet Pepsi
At various morning times - 3-4 jelly beans at a time from a candy dish across the hall at work
11:45 - Came home to watch my ill daughter and immediate ate a small Yoplait Whip 12:00 - Two Cheese Pizza hot pockets During the afternoon I ate several jellybeans from the store because I needed candy for an activity I'm leading tomorrow. No specific time, just grazing
2:00 I think I shoved a chocolate chip cookie in there somewhere
4:00 - Handful of raisins (and of course jellybeans)
6:30 - a piece of string cheese while I waited for the oven to heat to make a frozen pizza
7:15 - 10 inch Tombstone Cheese pizza
I don't think I'm having ice cream tonight, but I may yet. This is in my head a reasonable day!!!! That is a problem. While my brain says, "look no fast food", common sense says, "look no vegetables...again." Somewhere along the line, my relationship to food has become if I can't pick it up and bite it, it isn't food... Of course, apples fit that criteria, but somehow garbage seems to fit it better.
My short term goal with my eating habits is to eliminate soda. No calories in diet soda but research seems to show plenty of other negatives about it, and it costs money. After that, I just want to work in a salad and a smoothie per day. That was old advice from a dietitian on my most successful weight management plan about 5 years ago. I also need to start tracking what I eat again, whether here or elsewhere.
My relationship with food is weird and tonight's pizza is a good example. Making it and eating it brought me some weird emotional comfort, but now I am filled with regret and don't feel physically great either. Must find balance...
Moderate exercise today, just a brisk walk with the dog. One more day of that (tomorrow is a 12 hour work day) and then Thursday real workouts will start. After all it's Olympic Tri or Die, not Walk Jake or watch TV:)
I will also post a starting weight and a photo on Thursday, the fact that I feel reluctant to do that is probably an indicator that I should. Apparently my middle age re-birth is based on George Constanza's philosophy of doing the opposite of my instincts, I think Einstein would be proud:) Have a good night

A reasonable beginning?

So, today being the first day of the rest of my life and all, I tried to make some changes. Nothing major, but a nice day overall. Tomorrow I will have to post about my eating habits, they are without a doubt my biggest issue. My brain still wants to eat like the 20 year old athlete I was, rather than the 40 year old I want to be. The 40 year old I am can't call himself an athlete and changing that is my goal.

As for today I did ok. I drank less Diet Pepsi than usual (none at lunch) and I went home for lunch instead of fast food. However my light lunch kind of fell apart because Taco Bell called to me on the way back to work and I added 400 calories to my day with a Chicken Burrito Supreme. I guess it could have been worse, I used to always get a Chicken Stuffed Burrito, which is 650 calories....small victories.

On the exercise front, I went and hit tennis balls with my kids for 30 minutes after work. I really like tennis and I hope they learn to play. It was pretty low key, but my knees complained anyway, very frustrating, and I know my weight is a big part of the issue. I'll wrap up today's exercise with a dog walk after my wife gets home from the store. Not very cardio challenging but at least I'm moving again, and with the kids is a bonus. Hopefully a little more vigorous tomorrow, and a triathlon plan to start soon... That is all, "before" pics coming soon and I should weigh myself I suppose.

And so it begins

I'm tired... I mean I am lots of things, but mostly I am tired. I'm tired of not sleeping very well. I'm tired of taking my kids to the pool in the summer and not feeling comfortable with my shirt off. I'm tired of my start/stop approach to fitness which has led to a 10 year accumulation of flab around the middle. I'm tired of of being schlubby and schlumpy and feeling a slide into a nondescript middle age.

So, in order to violate the rules of insanity (same action/same results etc.), I'm going to try to do things differently. I'm going to Blog and share whatever happens. I'm going to start with a goal of updating this daily to tell you what I did or didn't do to work towards my goals. Maybe that will be the answer to breaking the pattern of get fit and then get unfit, get fit (but not as fit as before), get even more unfit and so on.
I have some very clear goals.
I want to take the kids to the pool and feel like somebody might look and say, "hey for 40 that dude is in shape", I want to go on trampolines with my daughter at Riverfest, but I have to get under the weight limit... And I want this summer's project to complete with an Olympic Distance triathlon, which is something I've never done before. I also hope I end the summer with a new take on my middle years, one with a bit more enthusiasm. We'll see how it goes.
Tomorrow's post may include a before picture, if I feel brave. I'm not Biggest Loser material, but as noted above, I'm not thrilled with my physique either. If anyone ever reads this, thank you for taking the time. It's the beginning of a great adventure.